Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Where The Old Yeller Fern Grows (And Lassie Is Not There) (Or Beethoven)

I like movies about animals. That's a fact. There's no way around it. Animal movies = Awesome. Here's the thing though. There are some animal movies out there that are not as awesome as others.

These movies all end with the animal dying. Why the hell would you do this? It's always dogs, too have you ever noticed that? People in the business of making a terrifyingly sad animal movie know that it won't have the same affect on people if you end the movie with a dead cat. Saturday Night Live knew years ago that if you kill the cat, people laugh. That's why they made Toonces The Driving Cat. If you don't believe me, watch that  link. I'll wait.

You laughed, didn't you?

Back to my point. They always kill the dog! They do this because they suck and they know you will cry. Not just cry, they know that you seeing the story about a dog dying will ruin your day. That's what these assholes do.

These movies are stories of hardship and overcoming the said hardships and you feel great about your life and your heart is warmed. Then, the dog damn dies, the kid cries and your life is destroyed forever.

So, "Where The Red Fern Grows" is terrible for another reason other then Big Dan and Little Anne (the dogs) dying. This reason is: there is a little human child that falls on a hatchet and dies. And here's the kicker, We don't care! We don't care that he dies because he was a bully. So what! The child has a small behavior problem probably because he realizes that he lives in the middle of nowhere and a hundred years ago and I'm pretty sure the kid knows that the people on the other side of the TV screen watching and hating him, have everything he can't even imagine existing and that it's awesome. Just maybe that's why he's such a giant douche.

So why do they make these terrible movies? I don't know but they ruin our lives. If you don't believe me, watch this! Your life was never the same, was it.

Also, I realize that Lions are cats and I said we laugh at cat's. This is THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE!

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