Saturday, December 31, 2011

My New Year's Resolution

I'm going to start with one simple statement. Are you ready because it will knock your socks clear off you feet and they'll land on some stranger's face. It's really best to just take them off now before that happens. It will be awkward at best.

I do not make New Year's Resolutions!

There, I said it and I meant it! I don't make them and here's why. It's actually quite simple, I'm already as amazingly awesome as I'll ever get. You see I'm good at everything I want to be good at. I regularly decide to do something whether it be learn a new skill, accomplish something that all you sorry normal people would stress over and probably not succeed at, or whatever I decide to do. I'm not trying to sound like a complete ass, it just comes with the territory.

So every year I bring in the new year much like many of you do also: with explosive diarrhea. It's a cleansing process. That's how I stay so healthy; a yearly cleansing.

Okay, I'll admit it. I don't actually plan on having explosive diarrhea. I'm really hoping that I don't actually.

So, my New Year's Resolution is to not make a New Year's Resolution.

Mission Accomplished!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Double Left-Overs

On Christmas day I went to my cousin's house. FACT! We ate turkey. And there was green bean casserole and potatoes and other food. FACT!

On the day after Christmas I went to my cousin's house for left-over lunch. FACT! We ate turkey. And there was green bean casserole and potatoes and other food. FACT! It was a left-over lunch what do you expect.

When I left they sent me home with turkey and potatoes. I put the plate in my fridge and went on with my life. This morning I got myself all set to make my lunch and looked around my cupboards and decided the last thing I ever wanted to do was make lunch.

"The Turkey!" my mind said.

So I took the plate of turkey and went out the door. Upon sitting down to eat the thought occurred to me this is the second time this food has been left over. "That should have a name" thought I. Double Left-overs? Left over Left-overs. I don't know...

Think about it and get back to me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A List Of Things

On Saturday my roommate left town for a few days, or a week, I'm not really sure when he's coming back. At any rate, having the place to myself has changed me a little. I plan on him coming back sometime, so I've refrained from being naked, but there are things that I've changed about my routine.

1. I've been cooking. Now that's not so weird but when he's around we often go places, peoples houses, etc. Now I've realized that I don't have so many friends. I'm okay with this.

2. I don't close doors. This doesn't include the front door. Bathroom? What's a door? Bed time? What's a door? There's a hole in this wall with a swinging thing. What's that? It's a door. What's it for? You're the only person here, beats me. Exactly!

3. I watch a lot of TV and movies. This isn't so much different from normal but I would say that I have been watching a lot more TV. It's really just part of work for me. You see, right now I am writing this little blog entry for you to read and enjoy in hopes that someday you'll buy a book I write. Incidentally, I'm planning to have one such book available in an electronic edition as well as a print edition. I do of course have two already in electronic edition now. Check em out at Barnes and Noble or Amazon! Right now I'm watching Seinfeld.

4. Sleeping on the couch. I love to sleep on the couch. For some reason I feel like I should sleep in my bed when someone else lives here, too. I don't know, it just feels a little weird, but I think I should keep doing this next week.

So there it is. I'm sure that there's other little things that I haven't noticed but it was very interesting that my behavior changed ever so slightly when I suddenly had the place to my self. Weird.

Monday, December 26, 2011

A Big Milestone (Getting Old)

Throughout our lives we all reach certain milestones that tell us quite plainly much like someone talking too close to a microphone in an authoritative deep voice, "You're getting old." Things like moving out of your childhood home and away from Mom and Dad, landing your first "real" job, owning stocks, getting married, or having a child.

Some of those things I've accomplished and most of them I haven't but tonight I reached a milestone that I always thought I was too young to reach. Tonight I went to bed before my son, Reggie. Of course, Reggie is not my biological son, I don't have any of those, also he's a snake. But it's very rare for me to walk into my room and change into my pajama pants and terrible Brett Favre t-shirt with the intention of going to bed for the night before Reggie's light is off.

So, here's to milestones in life and gracefully growing old. Also, here's a "Have a Great Day" greeting from my family.

Have A Great Day!
Love, Sean and Reggie Donner

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

That's Not A Supply Closet!

As a janitor, I get a rare look inside the Women's Restroom which is something I've always been intrigued by. I'm sure now that many of my lady readers are asking, "What is so intriguing about a Restroom?" Well ladies,  it's common knowledge in the male community that women in fact do not have bodily waste. To put it plainly, all men know that girls don't poop.

Deny it all you want, ladies. We're not listening!

So, when I realized that my job would require me to enter such forbidden territory I was excited to say the least. What happened when I stepped in the room disappointed me. I was greeted by a bathroom that looked almost exactly like all the bathrooms I've become accustomed to seeing. The only differences that were apparent upon first inspection were the "Tampon and Maxi Pad" dispenser (I highly doubt that's really what's in there, but probably it is), no urinals (weird) and each toilet stall has it's own garbage can. (High class! Us guys have to share a garbage can and they leave it by the sink.) Also, I noticed that the tile was pink, which I thought was really cute!

They get a big garbage, too?!

Today, as I was leaving I noticed that there was an extra door in the bathroom that the men's room lacks. "What's this?" I wondered. I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I fancy myself quite an amateur detective so open the door I must! I first thought that probably it was just a storage closet which would be an excellent place for me to keep some extra paper towels and toilet paper. (For the neighboring men's room of course) I never would have guessed what wonders lay behind the plain wooden door.

Open me, Sean. Open me!

Okay, I'm not going to swear. Yes I am! Shit! What more do you want! I never, NEVER want to hear another woman complain about anything again. You have a DAMN living room in your bathroom. Why? What could you ever need this for? Do you use it while you talk about your significant other's impotence and laugh and his shriveled little friend with all your friends?

My favorite part was that some of these "closets" had a sign that said "Mother's Room". Okay. I can understand a Mother's Room at a mall or church or library or almost anywhere else, but this is in an office building. I've never seen a nursing mother at work with her baby in all the years I've been alive.

This is just so ridiculous. I don't know who designed these buildings but if it was a man, you sir, need to learn to stand up to your wife. Just say, "No, wife! No! I will not give all the women who will work in this building a place to go and pretend to be in the bathroom!" And if a woman designed this building, you are an evil master mind!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

4 Things I'm Too Old To Knowingly Do Wrong (and I'm okay with that)

As people go about their lives, they pick up certain skills that are so basic that it would just be horribly inappropriate to not know how to do; so basic, in fact, that it seems as though we were born knowing how to do them. As we learn these skills, we realize that there are certain rules to each skill. Some of those rules can be broken without any lasting consequences, but some of them are so basic that we should be embarrassed if we’re caught breaking them or doing something incorrectly. I’ve realized that I do some things wrong and at my age it’s not okay anymore.

#1 Laundry

At its most basic, laundry is to be done by throwing dirty clothes in a metal box we call a washing machine with some soap and you turn it on. This is not the right way to do it, and we hopefully learn this eventually while we grow up and do more laundry (or maybe your mom told you). Somehow we figure out that we’re supposed to separate white things from colored things. Although it sounds awfully racist, that’s the rule. After those things are segregated you should segregate it further by type of fabric.

By following these basic rules, you can ensure that your clothing will remain untarnished by your other clothing, and after all, when you’re an adult it’s just not okay to wear clothes that have been dyed by your favorite red New Found Glory shirt.

What I do…

When I was a twenty or twenty-one year old young man, I did my laundry mostly correctly. I had a red bin that I threw all my clothes into when I decided that they were sufficiently dirty. Then, on laundry day I’d take the white articles of clothing and put them into a drawstring bag labeled with my name. (Don’t tease me, it was a gift from someone when I graduated from high school.) Then, with my colored clothing in my bin and my whites in a blue sack, I made my way to the Laundromat to clean my clothes.

This was years ago, and it seems my habits have digressed some as of late, because these days I just throw it all in together and choose a wash setting that seems generic enough for everything, add the detergent and some “OxyClean”, I love “OxyClean”, close the door on my clothes and salute all the white v-neck shirts as if to say, “Good Luck, Bitches! You’re going to need it.”

There have been casualties. Some of those v-neck shirts have come back to me pink (not acceptable for a grown man to wear) or blotchy (also not acceptable for a grown man to wear. As I was so lovingly told by a female friend recently, “That shirt is gross.”).

Despite sending clothing I spent hard-earned money on to their certain “pink-ening”, I continue to do my laundry in an incorrect fashion. Why? It’s not because I don’t know how to do laundry. Everyone knows how to do laundry. It’s because I don’t want to take the time to do two small loads of laundry when I could cut that time in half doing just one larger load.

#2 Eating

There is a right way to eat and a wrong way to eat, and no I’m not talking about etiquette (although I could talk about how it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full and it would still be a wrong way to eat), I’m talking about what you are physically putting into your body. Most of us, when we were young, could put what ever seven billion calorie pastry, burger, or other food item of your choice into our mouth, chew it, swallow it, and let it soak into our veins and move throughout our bodies. We could then go about our lives being young, energetic, and otherwise free of worry about the toxic sludge we had just ingested. I’ve learn however, that as we grow older, we can’t just use up those calories and that there’s really no more room for any more Trans fat.

For most of the world this happens during our early to mid twenties. Of course, there are super humans who can go there entire lives without ever thinking about the crap they put in their mouths and still stay fit. These people suck. As for the rest of us normal people, we have to realize that it’s time to eat a salad instead of mini doughnuts.

What I do…

I woke up one morning and realized that there was more of me on my stomach than there used to be. For years I had accepted that I weighed 150 pounds and I never thought about it, unless I had to get a new drivers license. But on this particular morning I panicked and ran to the scale that I had never used for its intended purpose. As if it had happened over night I now weighed 175 pounds. At this moment I lost my mind and went on a vegetarian diet complete with one “cheat day” a week. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is. As part of it, I decided to do crunches to help work off the fat gut syndrome I found myself plagued with.

After a good long week or two of that, I went back to my old ways. Now I’ve accepted my belly and I still eat terrible. For instance, I’m ate a doughnut and a caramel roll for breakfast this morning. And with that sweet future heart attack I drank a two quart jug of “Sunny Delight” or is it just “D”? I think they dropped the “elight” because it’s too hard to say.

#3 Drinking From a Bottle

Yes, there is a right and a wrong way to drink out of a bottle. I’m not talking about a bottle that you’d give to a baby. I don’t recall ever drinking out of one of those, but I’m sure it’s a skill I’ve learned. I’m talking about a run of the mill plastic bottle that a soda would be packaged in. When you pour liquid from a container, that liquid has to be replaced with air or the container will collapse in on itself. So when you drink from a bottle there needs to be a vent between your lips and the spout. (if that’s the right word)

For more reasons than one, you don’t want to put your lips around the outside of the bottle. If you do, you will get all kinds of saliva in your beverage. This is not good, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Also your chances of spilling are greatly increased. I hope no one is learning anything when I say that the proper way to drink from a bottle is to put your bottom lip on the outside and your upper lip on the inside of the spout and tilt the bottle back thus pouring the beverage into your mouth.

What I do…

When I drink anything I usually get as much as I want in my mouth then swallow. I’m not so talented when it comes to “chugging”. Along with failing at chugging, I’m not the best when it comes to calculation. At least once a bottle of soda I get too much in my mouth and some goes dribbling down my chin and onto my shirt. There’s no excuse for a grown man with little, and highly noticeable drops of his refreshing beverage on his shirt.

#4 Dating Appropriately Aged Girls

Note: I realize this isn’t quite a skill like everything else. Or is it?

Any time some one dates someone who is more than a few years older or younger than themselves the same line is thrown around, “Age is just a number”. I tend to think that this is a load of horse excrement. (My mom would be so disappointed if I said the “S” word.) Let’s get one thing straight. Age is not just a number. I recently went around asking random people if they know who River Phoenix is, and guess what, there is a certain age where everyone stops knowing who River Phoenix is. Think about a ninety year old man trying to tell his twenty-three year old trophy wife about Horehound candy. She’s not going to know what he’s talking about and she’s definitely not going to think it tastes good, because it doesn’t. There are certain things that people who are about the same age have in common that no one else will understand.

What I do…

To be fair, I’ve only actually done this once and most recently, but on the other hand, I’ve made countless “jokes” to my sixteen year old sister about dating someone from her grade in two years, which makes me disgusting.

There is an equation for finding out the lowest age a person can be to be appropriately aged for you to date and that is a/2 + 7. For those of you who, like me, don’t understand math, this means divide your age in half and add seven. I have recently discovered that I’m too old to date the person I have been sighted with by about a year.

Normally, I’d frown upon such behavior, but this time I think I’ll look anyone who judges me in the eye and say, “Suck it!” Let’s face it, I’m not going to start doing my laundry correctly, I’m not going to stop eating food with no natural ingredients, it pains me to say it, but I’m not going to stop spilling soda on my shirt, and I’m going to date whoever I want despite their age (as long as it’s legal).