Confessions

Every now and then I take time to reflect and reminisce about my past. I don't do this to better myself in any way. (it is my opinion that I'm pretty great just how I am) I also don't plan these reflections as though I have a standing appointment with myself. They happen randomly, like running into a long lost friend. Also like running into a long lost friend, it's often awkward.

Although these reminiscence sessions place me in direct danger of embarrassment, I continue to allow them to occur for one simple reason: They are hilarious. At least I think so, and I'm quite sure that if you don't find them funny, they will at least be enlightening.

So here's the deal, every time I realize something from my past that I find share-able and hilarious, I will write it on this blog and the title will be something like,

"Confessions: Letters in 1998"

In 1998 I was a total lady's man... in my own world. Whether or not this was reflected in the real world or everyone else's worlds, I can't be certain, but for the sake of this story it's important that you understand that I was a lady's man.

I was fourteen years old and like most fourteen year old kids, I was experiencing some metamorphosis. Most of these "Power Ranger" type changes were very similar to most people. Also, they were usually disgusting; body odor, voice cracks, I started "growing" facial "hair". My fashion sense changed, as did my taste in music and many of my friends. Music is key to this story. I started listening to Punk Rock!

Back to the point of me being a total lady's man, Around that time I also discovered that girls thought I was cute. That's right, I used to be cute! It lasted about a month and it's been down hill ever since. I few of these girls who thought I was cute lived in other towns and we started writing letters back and forth. I guess you could say we were pen pals, but that sounds so dorky!

There was one such girl in particular named Jessica. I met her at a church volleyball tournament. I had seen her at another church something or other a month or two before and thought she was cute, so I was totally excited when she wanted to get my address so she could write to me. (This was before most people had email... I'm old)

I was serious about my letters. I even had a binder with paper for the letters, stickers, envelopes, stamps and the addresses of the girls I was writing to. (I was cool) I wanted my letters to her to be as cute as I was back then so I spent a lot of time with them. Almost as much time as I spent in my bedroom listening to Slick Shoes, Blink 182, Nerf Herder, Homegrown and other awesome bands that I still listen to fourteen years later. Most of the songs were about girls so it worked well for me to think about Jessica and the other girls I wrote letters to. I remember for sure that Jessica got a lot punk quotes worked sneakily and unaccredited in probably all of her letters.

The point of this story is: I'm sorry Jessica, where ever you are today, your letters from Sean Donner were heavily plagiarized.

You Should Not Be Allowed To Drive

Guys Think It's Funny; Girls Never Will

There are things in this world that the males of our human race will always think is funny, and ladies, you will never fully understand. It's not that we're stupid or that you're stupid; it's just something in the way we're all wired.

Number 1: The Three Stooges

This is a Copyrighted Image. I do not own it!

Now I know there's a few of you ladies reading this right now, saying to yourself, or if you're in the bathroom you're then saying it to every woman ever, "But  Sean, I like the Three Stooges." To this I say simply, "No you don't."

I'm sure you've watched the show before, enjoyed it, and even maybe laughed, but I also know that you didn't laugh as hard, or as frequently, or with the utter glee as any man or boy would watching that same movie. And again, let me stress, I don't think there's anything wrong with you ladies or that there's anything wrong with us as men... in this situation; it's just the way it is.

I know that you're now waiting for an explanation from me as to why girls don't think The Three Stooges is funny. This is want I've come up with. Ready?

I don't know!

I'm sure there's a highly scientific explanation for this phenomenon. The problem with this, of course, is that it's highly scientific. Therefore, I'm not the guy to explain it. I'm only here to tell you the facts. And, ladies, the fact of the matter is you don't think The Three Stooges is funny.

Number 2: Farts

Also not my image.

I once wrote a essay about farts, trying to pin point exactly what is funny about them. I categorized them by them by name according to the sound they made. BERT, ERNIE, PAT, and JEFF. Bert is loud and in your face. Ernie is the type that squeaks out. Pat is short and quiet. Jeff is the covert fart, you probably won't even hear him, but you'll know when he's been there. There were also graphs detailing how long a fart will be funny based on it's smell. The problem with this essay is that I never actually pin pointed the reason farts are funny. I left the essay with the decision or realization that farts are not funny for one particular reason but for every reason they have to throw onto the table.

They make funny noises. They smell bad. They come from your butt! They are slightly taboo. There is also a warning I gave to all men then, and I likewise give it now: "The smell of a fart releases a chemical in the female brain which makes the said female instantly and violently angry. NEVER FART IN FRONT OF A GIRL!

Girls, again, you may think that because you laughed at a fart once means you think they are funny. I'm here to tell you that you're dreadfully wrong. You don't understand the humor of a fart and you never will. Don't get mad, it's not your fault, it's not my fault; it is nobodies fault.

Number 3: Taking Pictures of Your Friends on the Toilet

This IS my Image!

Bathroom doors come with locks. This is a fact, but the locks are not there for the purpose you might be assuming. There are locks on the doors of bathrooms to act as your last line of defense between you and a picture of you on the toilet. You may be thinking that the person who put the lock on the bathroom door is your friend, but they're not! They put that lock on that door as false security. You see, you lock the  door thinking, "I'm Safe!" but all it takes to unlock that door from the outside is a screwdriver. They call it a "Safety Mechanism", but really it's just so your friends can be hilarious.

Don't worry though, you'll think it's funny, too! You see it's a known fact that, although there may be a struggle of some sort, ALL guys think toilet pictures are funny. Don't believe me?

Exhibit A.