Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Working Title

I woke up to help my 3 year old son go to the bathroom at about 2AM. Then I laid in bed for about an hour wide awake, uncomfortable, and anxious. Finally, I gave up and went to the living room, pulled out my laptop and scrolled through facebook without consuming any of what was there. 

Just scrolling. 

After plenty of that, I decided it would be a good opportunity to try my hand writing. What simultaneously feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago, I used to write obsessively. Now with two self-published books on my shelf, it's a thing I only talk about.

I have a folder in my computer called "Books". In it was a few documents of various lengths ranging from five words to Six Thousand words. The six thousand word document was called working title. The name was vaguely familiar, but that's all.

I opened it and started reading. 20ish minutes later I was about 9 pages in and I think I need to continue writing this book. 

This is about half of what I have already written. Let me know what you think.


Chapter One 
We have to start somewhere

People live in all sorts of places and they always have. That is a fact. Some people live in large cities and when they look out their bedroom windows they see another person who lives in a large city looking out their bedroom window. Some people live in these very same cities and when they look out their bedroom windows they see the rooftops of other buildings full of people who, we can only guess, are also looking out their bedroom windows and thinking about how many people are really in this city and that in a city of this magnitude there really must be something more to do than look out your bedroom window. But who can afford it?


Some people live in towns that are near these large cities. They don’t look out their bedroom windows. They would rather sit on their porches and look at their backyards. This is their domain and it stretches from this fence to that fence and from that fence to the street. They try to ignore the people on the other side of the fence but rarely can. You see, they have to see each other at the mailbox and at the bus stop where they pick up their kids in the afternoon.


There are some people still that live in tiny places that people rarely visit because there are no cities or shopping centers in the places they live. Some of these people live on farms where they wake up early to feed the pigs, milk the cows, and shear the sheep. There are other tiny places where they don’t have farms and the people there live in small houses nestled in the forest. These people breathe fresh air, fish in streams, and live their whole lives away from all the hustle and every bit of bustle.


This is where our story starts. In a small house with a cobble stone walk and vines growing on the fence, lived a little boy named Oliver. Oliver had lived there since the day he was born, which was longer than he could remember. Sometimes he would try to remember. He would close his blue eyes as tightly as he could and run his hands through his almost always-messy brown hair grasp and pull. He thought that maybe if he pulled hard enough he would be able to remember being born, but he could never quite get there. 


Every day when Oliver woke up he looked out his bedroom window. From there he could see his entire backyard and the beginning of the forest. All winter long when the trees had misplaced their leaves, Oliver would look through the woods and see his grandparent’s house. It looked so close in the winter, but because of the snow he couldn’t go there without a ride from his parents. 


In the spring when the trees found their leaves, Oliver would look out his bedroom window towards his grandparent’s house; he could only see a thick, dark forest. Their house seemed so far away, but every summer day just before lunch his grandma would say to her Saint Bernard, Leroy, “Go get Oliver.” A few minutes later, Leroy would emerge from the path through the woods and walk up the stone walkway that led to Oliver’s front door to bring him to lunch with grandma.


Through the woods Leroy and Oliver would walk, keeping each other company. Some days Oliver would have a lot to say to Leroy and other days they would walk silently through the woods listening to the breeze blow through the trees. Whether Oliver talked or not, Leroy didn’t say anything. He was just happy to walk with Oliver.


On the day our story starts, Leroy and Oliver walked like they had every other summer day. On this particular day, Oliver was in his bedroom with the window open when Leroy emerged from the woods. Oliver liked to feel the morning breeze during the summer, so he always opened the window when he woke up in the morning.  When he saw Leroy in the farthest north corner of his yard where the stone path met the dirt path that led to his grandma’s house, Oliver decided to jump out his bedroom window, which was only a small drop to the ground, and he ran to meet Leroy.


While Oliver and Leroy made their way through the woods on this day, Oliver had a lot to say to Leroy. He talked about dinosaurs and that he recently learned that if you flew very far and unfathomably fast into space, there is a place that you could turn around and using a telescope better than any telescope in the world, look at the earth and see the dinosaurs walking around. 


Oliver talked until the path came to a slight bend where here was a large rock on the right side of the path, which Oliver had seen many times before. His dad said it was put there to mark the halfway point between his house and his grandma’s house. While he came closer to the halfway rock, Oliver noticed that there was a small over grown path that led into the woods. He squinted down the path wondering where it went. He didn’t stand there long before Leroy barked as if to say, “Your food is getting cold” and so Oliver continued on his way.


“There they are!” his grandma shouted out the kitchen window as Oliver and Leroy came out of the woods and into the yard. “Hurry inside. I made French toast,” she continued.


“Mmmmmm! French toast is my favorite kind of toast!” Oliver exclaimed with excitement. 


His grandma had lived in that very same place her whole life, just like Oliver. The only difference was that she had lived a lot longer. His grandma was very old. If Oliver had to make a guess, he’d say she was probably 107 years old. Oliver was 7, and he was pretty sure that she was 100 when he was born, so the math works. Whatever her age was, she was definitely the most excellent cook Oliver had ever known. She could make grits, blueberry muffins (with real blueberries), tuna sandwiches, and every kind of pie.


When Oliver and Leroy got into the house, he gave his grandma a big hug like he always did. Looking through the doorway to the kitchen, Oliver could see the table set up for their meal. He knew which food was his because he always sat at the same place and always used the cup with Snoopy on it.


“Let’s sit down and have a brunch lunch,” his grandma said. She was always excited to spend time with Oliver. He was the only grandchild she had and everyday she told him how lucky she felt that he lived so close by. Oliver didn’t know how to react to this, so he just always said yes.


As they sat at the table Oliver asked, “Grandma, what’s brunch?”


“Brunch is a meal that people eat sometimes that is a mix between breakfast and lunch. In fact, it is eaten sometime between breakfast and lunch.” She watched him to see if he was happy with her answer. He seemed to be. “This isn’t a real brunch though. We’re eating it at lunchtime.”


Oliver ate his food in silence while looking at the path through the woods back to his house. His grandma didn’t mind if he wasn’t good for conversation, but she still liked to talk.


“Did you know that your dad helped me tap the maple trees for this syrup?”


“Yes.” Oliver replied.


“Those trees are old, they were old when I was your age, but they still make good maple syrup.”


“Yes.” Oliver replied as he took a bite of his French toast.


“What are you looking at?”


“Just the woods.”


His grandma winked, “Oh, those woods are magic, aren’t they? I’ve lived here all my life, all 54 years, and I’ve seen places in those woods that no one sees anymore. When I was a little girl I would run and play in those woods every day.” She paused for a moment then quietly said, “I made some very good friends in those woods, and I miss them dearly.”


“Grandma, why can’t I play in the woods?” Oliver questioned. He asked this question often and his parents always gave him different answers. Sometimes they would say, “It’s too dangerous out there.” And other times they would say, “Those woods go on for miles and miles. You could get lost and then what? We are much happier to keep you close.” 


His grandma’s answer was always the same; “People don’t belong in the woods anymore. We live in cities and towns. There are no shopping malls in the woods, so people have no place there anymore.”


Oliver ate the last bite of his French toast and washed it down with the last of his Snoopy cup orange juice and said, “Thanks for lunch, Grandma.”


“You are very welcome, as always.” She replied as she picked up his dishes. “Would you like to help me work on my new puzzle? It’s a picture of all the cereal boxes that were around when your dad and aunts and uncles were kids. You know, Oliver, it seems so long ago but at the same time it feels like just yesterday. Time sure is a funny thing.”


Oliver agreed and they worked on the puzzle for about half an hour before Oliver decided that he really should probably be going. He hadn’t stopped thinking about the small trail with the large rock in front of it since he noticed it.


“I have to go, Grandma.”


“Okay.” She said, “You kids are just too busy these days.”


Leroy was already waiting by the door while Oliver put on his favorite black Converse. 


“Your dad used to wear shoes just like that and I always had to stand by the door and wait while he tied them. Some things never do change, do they?”


Oliver gave his grandma a big hug and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”


“I can’t wait. I love you.” 


“I love you, too.” Oliver said while running out the door and down the stairs with Leroy following closely behind. 


Oliver got tired and stopped running by the time the stone path in his grandma’s yard turned into the dirt path through the woods.


“Don’t tell Grandma, Leroy, but I’m going to go into the woods after I get home and change into some long pants.” Oliver was wearing shorts that day to help him stay cool, but he knew that if he was going to go into the woods he would have to wear long pants to keep him safe from gross wood ticks and poison ivy. 


Those things seemed to be what his mom was most afraid of. Every time he played near the woods, his mom would say, “You need long pants or else you’ll get poison ivy” or “If you don’t wear long pants the wood ticks will climb right up your little leg hairs.”


As he came around the slight bend in the path where he could see the large rock that the small trail was behind, he squinted his eyes to focus on the area behind the rock. Coming closer to the rock he finally spotted the narrow trail leading off into the woods. It went east, as Oliver could best guess. It was right where he had seen it earlier in the day. Oliver stopped beside the rock and inched closer and closer to the side of the path, placing his hand on the rock to help his balance as he leaned forward. He could tell that the trail went straight for quite a long distance but then it seemed to turn. Which way it turned, Oliver couldn’t tell, but this intrigued him all the more and he couldn’t wait to come back with his long pants.


As he leaned forward, Oliver felt a tug on his shirt pulling him back onto the clean wide path that lead him home. When he turned to look, he laughed, “Leroy, you’re going to rip my shirt. Mom would be so mad at you.”  Leroy remained silent as they started back down the path towards home.


As they emerged from the woods into Oliver’s back yard the dirt path once again turned into a smaller path to his house paved with stones in the ground. “See ya tomorrow, Leroy.” Oliver said as he ran towards the house. Leroy watched as Oliver vanished through the back door.


“Welcome home.” Oliver’s mom said as he came through the back door that led directly into the kitchen. Oliver’s mom was tall and thin. She liked to run in the morning before anyone woke up and always wore a tank top and yoga pants. That day was no exception. “Did you have fun with Grandma?”


“Yes, we had French Toast brunch.”


“That sounds yummy.” She looked out the kitchen window. “Weird, Leroy is just sitting at the path.”


Oliver thought his mom was very pretty. She had long, straight light brown hair that had a small streak of white or gray hairs just above he right ear. Her eyes were green and they somehow seemed to know everything.


“You left your bedroom window open, again. You know I don’t like when you leave it open when you go to lunch. It get’s too hot outside in the afternoon for open windows.”


“I know. I’m sorry. I just forgot.”


“I know you did” she said “Can you go close it now and then I have a treat for you.”


Oliver loved treats so he ran abruptly towards his bedroom. When he got to the window, he peered outside at Leroy. “Go home, Leroy” he shouted out the window. Leroy didn’t move. “Weird dog.” Oliver groaned as he closed the window.

“And lock it!” His mom yelled from the kitchen.


“And lock it.” Oliver said to himself as he did just that. Before leaving his bedroom, Oliver changed out of his shorts and into his long pants.


“Why did you change?” his mom asked as he came back into the kitchen.


“I want to play outside.”


“Okay. But first I’ve got a freezy pop for you.” Oliver’s mom did this thing with her voice where she started a sentence talking and by the end she was singing. Oliver thought it was funny.


“Yay! Blue! Blue! Blue!” Oliver gleefully shouted as his mom started to ask what flavor he wanted.


“Blue isn’t a flavor you silly boy,” she laughed. “The blue pops are,” she paused as she read the wrapper of the blue freezy pop in her hand. “It doesn’t say. I guess they’re just ‘Blue’ after all.”


Oliver got out the scissors and cut the top off of the freezy pop. His mom got out a pink freezy pop and sat down beside him on the back step. 


“I guess Leroy finally went home.” His mom noticed.


“I guess.” Oliver replied. “I haven’t seen him sit there like that before.”


“Well, he is getting old. Sometimes old dogs do funny things.”


“Maybe he was taking a rest from having such a long walk.” Oliver speculated.


“That’s probably it.” His mom agreed.


“How did you meet dad?”


“How did that come up in you mind?”


“I was just thinking about it. I know that dad has lived here since he was born and I know that you lived in a different place before you met him. I don’t know the part where you guys met and you came here.”


“Well, my family lived in a suburb called Burnsville.”


Oliver touched her arm with his half eaten freezy pop. “What’s a suburb?”


“It’s a town that is right next to a big city. Burnsville is close to Minneapolis. We both went to college at the University of Utah. When we met, your dad thought I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen, and I thought your dad looked like a dweeb.”


Oliver laughed, dropping his freezy pop in the dirt next to the stairs. The melted freezy drained into the dirt. “There goes the best part,” Oliver sighed.


“Do we need to get you a knew one?”


Oliver looked up at the woods and said, “It’s okay. Keep telling your story about how dad looked like a dweeb.”


“Well, he asked me on a date a few days later. We went the Salt Lake City library. You can take the elevator to the roof and there are gardens and benches up there. We kept dating and I would always tell him that after college I was going to move back to Minnesota. But then we came here together to visit his parents and I just fell in love with this forest. It seems so magical. I know it’s mostly poison ivy and wood ticks, but sitting here with you looking at all of the trees is just so peaceful.” She looked at Oliver who was looking at the trees. “So after we got married, your grandparents gave us this house and they built the house that they live in now and the rest is history.”


“Sometime I want to see where you’re from.”


“We’ll go there sometime soon. Time is a funny thing and it goes really fast when you aren’t looking. We came here ten years ago and I haven’t been back to visit since you were a baby.”


Oliver stood up, “We just have to make a plan, right?”


“Right.” She said with a smile and Oliver ran to the garage to get his bike. His mom walked back into the kitchen thinking about her hometown and that she rarely thinks about it anymore.


Oliver rode his bike down the wide dirt path through the woods. When he came to the bend where the rock was finally visible, the woods looked different than they had before. He pedaled faster and skidded to a stop the rock dropping his bike upon his dismount. 


He walked from one side of the large rock to the other, scanning the forest floor. The right side of the rock surely had no Poison Ivy, but he was glad for his long pants anyway. He stepped off of the path for the first time in his short life and into the woods. Surprised that nothing happened, Oliver wondered why it was a rule that he stay on the path. He could still see the path so he wasn’t going to get lost. He took a second step rounding the rock. He had never seen the rock from the back. It surprisingly looked about the same.


With his back to the rock he looked deeply into the woods. The small trail he had seen and studied for a short time twice that day was gone.







Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Time Travelers

It's a fact of life that people will come and go from each of our lives. Many of these people arrive, stay a little, and leave without making too big of an impression on our lives. The harsh truth is that this is most of the people you will meet. People like Alex Harsh. I had to think for a while before I could remember his first name. The only reason he came up at all was because I wrote the word harsh and thought, "I knew someone with that last name. What was his name? He was a Boy Scout. Alex!" And with a quick search in Facebook, there he is! He looks the same, two kids, facial hair, AND five mutual friends! This is proof that he exists still or yet.

There are other people who have come and gone from my life and changed me in a way that I can see with little to no reflection. Take Ryan Esser for instance. At the age of 13, Ryan taught me to look past a person's appearance and give them a second shot. I was trying to be a jocky prep kid in seventh grade and wouldn't let a skater punk talk to me without calling him a loser. This was exactly Ryan's first impression of me. He walked up to me in the hall of Waseca Middle School and said, "Hey aren't you Damien and Dustin's brother?" or something like that. To which I responded like an asshole and said, "der der der der der, loser." We were very good friends a few months later. Thinking back on that, I'm so insanely embarrassed. Ryan died a few years back just a few days before his 28th birthday. It was one of the hardest times of my life.

There are other people who come into your life make and impression and then completely disappear. I call these people Time Travelers; mostly because I assume that they are actually time travelers. These people are much rarer than all other types of people. It is especially hard to disappear in these days with the internet and such, so the only possible explanations are Aliens or Time Travel. Saying that Aliens is the reason for these people is preposterous and so the only rational theory we are left with is Time Travel.

Let me tell you a story about Max Trotter. I first met Max in 8th grade. He was unpredictable to say the least. At a school dance he may or may not have lit a fire in one of the bathrooms. I heard he did, but also I never saw any evidence that he did. There were a lot of stories about his past. He showed up suddenly and so there were bound to be. I heard once or twice that he was from Chicago and got in with a gang and moved to small town Minnesota to hide out because probably he killed a guy. I was usually a pretty good kid and his reckless demeanor always made me a little uneasy. Throughout my early teen years Max would disappear and then randomly show up somewhere around town or in my class halfway through a trimester. (We had a trimester system in my school as opposed to quarters or semesters. So it was cut into three terms. I digress.)

The last time I ever saw Max Trotter was the perfect way to sum up everything I'm telling you about this guy probably from the future. Ryan Esser and I were cruising the mean streets of Waseca, MN when we saw a familiar face walking on the side of one of the main roads. You guessed it, Max Trotter. Naturally, we pulled over and he got in the back seat and sat right in the middle next to the boom box that was the car's stereo. He told us he needed to go to Vista Villa (The trailer park in Waseca). We started driving and Ryan asked Max where he had been. Max mostly shrugged off the question and reiterated that he needed to go to Vista Villa. A minute later Ryan had a knife to his neck and Max was saying just take me to Vista Villa. Where the hell does it look like we're going, was our general response. Somehow we got Max to calm down and put the knife away and we dropped him off at the trailer (Time Machine?) that he directed us to. We drove away and I never saw or heard from Max Trotter again.

A simple search on Facebook give little more than his signature on a cliff metaphorically speaking.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Home Sick (What I Learned watching Yo Gabba Gabba)

I stayed home from work today so I could rest and eat all the Chicken Noodle Soup. I've never called in sick before, so any time I've taken time off, there has been a reason so I didn't know what to expect. I had a Netflix movie to send back, so I did that. and walked in the road all the way to the mailbox and back so as to not get my shoes dirty.
"Gotcha!" -Matt Lauer
 I was also rude to Bob Costas because of his pink eye. Mostly because they just keep talking about it and no one will come out and say that he has pink eye. It's just an eye infection. We all know that Matt Lauer bare ass farted on his pillow. HA! Hilarious! Seriously, that's CLASSIC Matt Lauer.

I did find out some things, one of which I kind of knew already, I just didn't know the extent of the severity of this issue. There is completely figuratively nothing on TV during the day! You know how Saturday TV is mostly golf and collage sports. Day time TV is a lot the same only it's The View, soap operas, and game shows. Regular people don't want anything to do with these things.

I also learned that I don't know how to be at my house when my wife isn't. She's at work, like regular people and she's always home when I get home. so it's really rare that I have to deal with the house by myself. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm not very big so I can't make a shower take all that long. Then I put clothes on. Now what? I played a video game, that was boring.

I next went to channels that I didn't know were there. Yo Gabba Gabba was on and I learned a few lessons that were really timely. They first taught me that the road is dangerous. It turns out that there are cars and trucks and that cars and trucks are dangerous. I had no idea! For now on I'll use the sidewalk for my walking and play.

They also had a segment with a playground where all the kids took turns except for a gorilla who was really mean to everyone. Then one kid said that if the gorilla wants to be friends then he should be nice and take turns.

Bob Costas, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that Matt Lauer doesn't know how to be nice and gave you Russian Pink Eye, which seems to be worse than regular America Pink Eye.

Moral of the story, Don't play in the road and Matt Lauer is pretty not cool to his friends!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Battling Technology

My mind has brought  it to my attention that I have written nothing worth putting on a blog for sometime. When I say that there was nothing worth writing on a blog I also mean to say that I haven't written anything worth putting anywhere. Whether it's just that I'm bored, busy or dare I say suffering from a Writer's Disorder, I can't exactly tell, but I will say that it needs to end.

About two weeks ago I noticed something that may hold the answer to my lack of creativity and thought. I had thirty seconds to myself in an elevator in the building I work in, and instead of allowing myself that thirty seconds alone with my mind, I turned on my iPad to play a game or look at something. It was suddenly clear to me why I hadn't written anything.

There is little room for creative thinking when every second of your life is filled with something. I once used a lot of down time for reflection and thinking. It was in those times that I was able to find the inspiration I needed to story tell or share the inner workings of my mind. With that time being eaten by frivolous games and surfing the internet for anything that will entertain, there was no reflection and often there were no thoughts of any kind.

I don't think that it's necessarily bad to have this technology and the world in your pocket, but I do know that it's harmful to our brains to no longer need to retain any knowledge, memory, or creative thought. We seem to be afraid to spend any time alone with our own thoughts and this actually worries me about the future of story telling.

With the advent of this technology, we are already seeing the affects in the entertainment industry. Instead of new stories being told in the medium of motion picture, we are being given sequel after sequel, more and more books are being turned into movies, and movies from the past are being rehashed. Less and less books are being read, "reality" television is taking up more of the day with each season and the scripted shows are seemingly going the way of the movies.

I've spent the last two weeks trying to remember to give myself some quiet time. Hopefully, I'll be writing often again very soon.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Now That I'm Pretty Grown Up

I'm here today to make a proclamation. Are you ready for this? If not, you better damn get ready!

I'm a grown ass man! I can grow a crazy beard.

Exhibit A
Growing a beard doesn't make you a grown man though. I have two friends who had fuller beards than mine when they were in 8th grade. True Story.

I also have a grown up career style job with benefits and opportunity for advancement. I've published multiple books. I have a auto loan and subsequent payment. I recently became a married man, I have a wife who enjoys my company, which according to Alec Baldwin in The Departed means that people will like me more and know that I'm at the very least not gay. I grill food for my little family on a charcoal grill.

The point is, now that I'm a real life card (credebit?) carrying adult, I get the feeling that I have to change my habits to fit my new adult lifestyle.

This is what I started doing this week to act more grown up:

It came to my attention that I never know what's going on in the world, I assume do to the total lack of news I watch. It did make life interesting, never knowing what the weather would be like from day to day. All my coworkers were like meteorologists to me. They'd say something like, "Big storm tomorrow." And I'd be like, "Awww, Man!" NO LONGER!

I decided that instead of waking up at 7AM and hurrying to get ready and 15 miles to work by 8AM, I should wake up at 6:30AM and watch the news. I could have planned ahead a little better though. It turns out that early Sunday morning was start of daylight savings time. So it was kind of like waking up at 5:30 not 6:30. It was difficult to getting started.

But it's gotten a lot easier to wake up and it's really nice to be able to relax before I start my day and I at least know what the weather will be like that day.

Moral of the story... I wish I could be an irresponsible kid, but I can't so I might as well embrace it.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Kato Love Confessions

It's been a few years since I last had an address in Minnesota and it seems to me that nothing has changed in the city I once inhabited. I had become quite sure that there was no reason to look back besides seeing the weather on Facebook from Mark Tarello. Now I don't want anyone to think that I feel like I'm too cool for anything at all or that I don't care and often think about the family and friends I still have in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. The problem, if it is indeed a problem is that my life is just no longer there.

A few weeks ago I started seeing people talking about something called Kato Love Confessions. Needless to say, I was intrigued. I was interested based on the name only because I knew that what the name was telling me is that these are confessions of love from Mankato Minnesota's finest residents. When I was finally guided to KLC, I clicked "Like" on the Facebook page. Why? I don't know. It just made sense at the time.

Well, when I asked a dear friend named Whitney what KLC is, I was told that, "The greatest invention ever! Everyone is in love with Matt Buhlman!" This is probably why I "Liked" it. Matt Buhlman is real straight shooter. And I think everyone should love him.

I was quickly sad that I ever clicked that Like button. You see, when I said that it is Love Confessions from Mankato's finest residents, what I meant was Minnesota State University - Mankato's Finest.

This was at first terribly annoying, until I realized how amazing it really is. You see it is full of terribly creepy people with the worst grammar ever. It's hard for me to not correct them, but I have. I've done it a few times and I'm sure that they're going to kick me off soon. The point is, by Mankato's finest I mean...

Well I don't want to be mean.

Monday, January 28, 2013

One True Statement About Helicopters and A Bunch About Eating

Helicopters are wicked cool.

Eating is gross. I'm completely disgusted by seeing a person eat about once a day. I'm not sure exactly what needs to happen for me to be grossed out by eating; it certainly doesn't happen every time I witness the phenomenon. 

I've been grossed out by skinny people eating, average sized people eating, pleasantly plump people eating and huge greasy people eating. I've even been grossed out by myself eating. (Cottage Cheese is gross) So, it's not like the reason I'm grossed out really has anything to do with the person who's doing the a fore mentioned consumption of food.

One thing that does remain consistent every time I find my self so entirely disgusted with the unrelenting face stuffing of the people in this world is when the food you eat must be held. Pizza. I'm often grossed out by the consumption of pizza. Not because I think pizza is gross, I love pizza, but because of anything I can even name. Just sometimes seeing the act of pizza eating really makes me want to yak! Not every time, or exclusively pizza. I was grossed out today at Five Guys Burgers and Fries, when I saw a regular looking guy eating a burger. I ate a similar burger five minutes later, but something about that guy and that burger made me want to puke.

Like I said, this happens a lot and there's no real rhyme or reason to it. I'm not against food you hold, I'm not against holding food, but sometimes the planets go completely out of orbit and I want to puke at you eating. It's just the way it is.