Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Robotic Armageddon is at Hand

If there is one thing my best friends know for certain about me, it’s that I have no desire to ever be in outer space. If there are two things they know about me, it’s 1) That I have no desire to go to outer space, and 2) I’m terrified of Robots.

Now, I’m not terrified that they taught a machine to play the piano better than I ever will, or even that they taught him to dress so well. The issue here is that we all know that this was only the harmless looking beginning. Before you know it, he’ll get sick of playing that song and then, well, we all die.

Then, there are the sorts of robots who look like real people. This is the worst thing we could ever do! Now, when we see a cute little Asian girl, there’s no telling if she’s people. I can see it now. She starts dating some guy. He will eventually break up with her. He can’t figure out what it is about her, but something about the way she talks and the way she moves just seems… what’s the word… ROBOTIC! So her circuit board heart gets broken and, well, we all die!

Apple made Seri. Seri is part of the iPhone that knows everything. You can have conversations with her, she has a personality. She has intelligence. I’m positive that she’s self-aware. Hell, she has gender! She will probably be the one to tell the other robots to attack and then, well, we all die!

Then there’s a company called Boston Dynamics. They are the literal incarnation of SKYNET from the Terminator movies. They are creating robots that terrify me more than any others.

There’s “Big Dog” who has learned to react and change his footing when forced sideways in order to keep from falling over.

There’s “Cheetah” who runs 18 miles per hour.

These robots are made to fight wars and there’s only one thing that can possibly come from this. Well, we all die!

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