Confessions

Every now and then I take time to reflect and reminisce about my past. I don't do this to better myself in any way. (it is my opinion that I'm pretty great just how I am) I also don't plan these reflections as though I have a standing appointment with myself. They happen randomly, like running into a long lost friend. Also like running into a long lost friend, it's often awkward.

Although these reminiscence sessions place me in direct danger of embarrassment, I continue to allow them to occur for one simple reason: They are hilarious. At least I think so, and I'm quite sure that if you don't find them funny, they will at least be enlightening.

So here's the deal, every time I realize something from my past that I find share-able and hilarious, I will write it on this blog and the title will be something like,

"Confessions: Letters in 1998"

In 1998 I was a total lady's man... in my own world. Whether or not this was reflected in the real world or everyone else's worlds, I can't be certain, but for the sake of this story it's important that you understand that I was a lady's man.

I was fourteen years old and like most fourteen year old kids, I was experiencing some metamorphosis. Most of these "Power Ranger" type changes were very similar to most people. Also, they were usually disgusting; body odor, voice cracks, I started "growing" facial "hair". My fashion sense changed, as did my taste in music and many of my friends. Music is key to this story. I started listening to Punk Rock!

Back to the point of me being a total lady's man, Around that time I also discovered that girls thought I was cute. That's right, I used to be cute! It lasted about a month and it's been down hill ever since. I few of these girls who thought I was cute lived in other towns and we started writing letters back and forth. I guess you could say we were pen pals, but that sounds so dorky!

There was one such girl in particular named Jessica. I met her at a church volleyball tournament. I had seen her at another church something or other a month or two before and thought she was cute, so I was totally excited when she wanted to get my address so she could write to me. (This was before most people had email... I'm old)

I was serious about my letters. I even had a binder with paper for the letters, stickers, envelopes, stamps and the addresses of the girls I was writing to. (I was cool) I wanted my letters to her to be as cute as I was back then so I spent a lot of time with them. Almost as much time as I spent in my bedroom listening to Slick Shoes, Blink 182, Nerf Herder, Homegrown and other awesome bands that I still listen to fourteen years later. Most of the songs were about girls so it worked well for me to think about Jessica and the other girls I wrote letters to. I remember for sure that Jessica got a lot punk quotes worked sneakily and unaccredited in probably all of her letters.

The point of this story is: I'm sorry Jessica, where ever you are today, your letters from Sean Donner were heavily plagiarized.

You Should Not Be Allowed To Drive

Guys Think It's Funny; Girls Never Will

There are things in this world that the males of our human race will always think is funny, and ladies, you will never fully understand. It's not that we're stupid or that you're stupid; it's just something in the way we're all wired.

Number 1: The Three Stooges

This is a Copyrighted Image. I do not own it!

Now I know there's a few of you ladies reading this right now, saying to yourself, or if you're in the bathroom you're then saying it to every woman ever, "But  Sean, I like the Three Stooges." To this I say simply, "No you don't."

I'm sure you've watched the show before, enjoyed it, and even maybe laughed, but I also know that you didn't laugh as hard, or as frequently, or with the utter glee as any man or boy would watching that same movie. And again, let me stress, I don't think there's anything wrong with you ladies or that there's anything wrong with us as men... in this situation; it's just the way it is.

I know that you're now waiting for an explanation from me as to why girls don't think The Three Stooges is funny. This is want I've come up with. Ready?

I don't know!

I'm sure there's a highly scientific explanation for this phenomenon. The problem with this, of course, is that it's highly scientific. Therefore, I'm not the guy to explain it. I'm only here to tell you the facts. And, ladies, the fact of the matter is you don't think The Three Stooges is funny.

Number 2: Farts

Also not my image.

I once wrote a essay about farts, trying to pin point exactly what is funny about them. I categorized them by them by name according to the sound they made. BERT, ERNIE, PAT, and JEFF. Bert is loud and in your face. Ernie is the type that squeaks out. Pat is short and quiet. Jeff is the covert fart, you probably won't even hear him, but you'll know when he's been there. There were also graphs detailing how long a fart will be funny based on it's smell. The problem with this essay is that I never actually pin pointed the reason farts are funny. I left the essay with the decision or realization that farts are not funny for one particular reason but for every reason they have to throw onto the table.

They make funny noises. They smell bad. They come from your butt! They are slightly taboo. There is also a warning I gave to all men then, and I likewise give it now: "The smell of a fart releases a chemical in the female brain which makes the said female instantly and violently angry. NEVER FART IN FRONT OF A GIRL!

Girls, again, you may think that because you laughed at a fart once means you think they are funny. I'm here to tell you that you're dreadfully wrong. You don't understand the humor of a fart and you never will. Don't get mad, it's not your fault, it's not my fault; it is nobodies fault.

Number 3: Taking Pictures of Your Friends on the Toilet

This IS my Image!

Bathroom doors come with locks. This is a fact, but the locks are not there for the purpose you might be assuming. There are locks on the doors of bathrooms to act as your last line of defense between you and a picture of you on the toilet. You may be thinking that the person who put the lock on the bathroom door is your friend, but they're not! They put that lock on that door as false security. You see, you lock the  door thinking, "I'm Safe!" but all it takes to unlock that door from the outside is a screwdriver. They call it a "Safety Mechanism", but really it's just so your friends can be hilarious.

Don't worry though, you'll think it's funny, too! You see it's a known fact that, although there may be a struggle of some sort, ALL guys think toilet pictures are funny. Don't believe me?

Exhibit A.

UNLUCKY's First Review

It is difficult, sometimes, to properly review the work of a friend. There is always a concern at the back of your mind that you may either be: a) not critical enough, and make excuses for them just because you like them so much and don't want to look like a jerk, or b) overly critical, because your expectations match your regard for that person, and you will more than likely be let down because they weren't able to deliver.

Luckily for Unlucky, I didn't feel the nagging need to rewrite my friend's work, and it's easy, laid back style allowed me to read it for the fun piece of fiction it really is.

Unlucky does not pretend to be the next great American novel, but it certainly doesn't need to be. Initially the story falters as it attempts to set its tone, but once the reader recognizes the thought patterns of high school students, the way that they perceive their contained world as the absolute beginning and the end, as well as the way they build fantasies into the reality around them, this novel (novella?) becomes much easier to read.

Stepping into the setting of Unlucky is like simultaneously re-experiencing the past and finding yourself in some strange alternate reality. The hero of the story (as a hero he must be, considering the hero-journey he embarks on), despite all of his dopey charm and silliness, manages to pull the reader into his quest, absurd as it may seem. Riddled with the delicate nuances of teenage politics, as well as characters that are striving toward some sense of legitimacy with their observations, Unlucky is perhaps more genuine writing than many of the more acclaimed authors of today. I found myself laughing out loud as I followed Sean in his search for a stolen piece of Americana: A Britney Spears poster that he had found and taped above his locker. 

There is nothing too profound about this work, but again, it never pretends to be profound, and it is that honesty that gives Unlucky its value and charm. Though I would have liked to have gotten to know some of the secondary characters better, they all are just that, secondary, revolving around the universe in this work that is Sean Donner. With some more cultivating, this piece could easily have become something like The Big Lebowski, but as it is, it's a joyful story with an almost fairy-tale like quality.

Jennifer Hughes

I Met You Once

Sometimes I come across as kind of a dick. Let me explain myself.

 I might be in a situation when someone wants to introduce me to a person or I have to meet someone. This is all fine... unless I'm never going to see that person regularly. What I'm trying to say is that I don't like having acquaintances. Whenever you see that person again, all they have to talk about is whatever was going on in your life when you met them.

Let's pretend for a minute, that I've ever said a funny thing in my life. I know it's hard but try. (That's what she said) Let's pretend that when an acquaintance and I met, I said something funny or memorable about my crippling fear of spiders. This is all the acquaintance knows about me. So months or years later when we  happen across each other again, acquaintance says something like, "Run into any spiders lately?" I don't remember our first conversation anymore; it's not that I'm mean or don't genuinely care about you, it's just that I have other things going on in my life; a lot of other things, actually.

It's just that conversations with acquaintances are always so awkward and I feel that they really much be awkward for both parties.

So you see, I'm not a total dick. I would just much rather be friends rather than acquaintances. Either that, or we can meet once and never cross paths again. It's all I'm asking.

Another thing I've noticed that's extremely awkward and therefore on the topic at hand, is elevators. Often times they are located in lobbies of buildings near a reception desk of some sort. So you walk into said lobby and what do you really have to say to the receptionist but "Hello." "How are you?" and "Have a good day"? Now granted sometimes you'll have to ask where something is or some other related question, but I'd venture to say that in most situations you're not going to have much of a conversation with this person.

So here's the awkward part. You walk into the lobby, say your hellos and how are yous while you're walking to the elevator. Then you push the button and wait in awkward silence for the elevator to make its way to you. I think elevators know this too, because they always seen to take longer when you find yourself in one such awkward situation.

Then when the doors finally to open, there's a single fat, hairy guy standing there, also going up seventy-five floors. So you walk in, because really, what else are you going to do? The elevator doors slowly close locking you in this small, cramped space with the largest man you've ever seen off a motorized cart at Walmart. Up you go in silence. It takes minutes you're sure and this guy is standing unreasonably close to you.

You try to think of something to say but all that comes to mind is, "This is the slowest elevator ever!" You can't say that, it will only make the situation worse, and so, the silence remains, until at last the doors open and you're finally free to go on your way making a mental note to take the stairs next time, it's more healthy anyway.

In Preparation...

On February 2, 2012 my first printed book will be available for you all to buy and read. With this date fast approaching, I found it to be a good idea to give the world a quick preview. It is the tale of a young man and his Britney Spears poster. Enjoy!

UNLUCKY

It would be a morning just like any other; nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Just like every morning that came before, Sean was walking to his locker. The halls were crowded and he could hear bits of every conversation he passed. His schoolmates were sharing important stories from the night before, gossip about who had broken up with whom and who had hooked up with whom to get back at what’s his face for being such a douche. It all seemed unremarkable and forgettable, and that it was.
As he neared his locker, Sean spotted something truly remarkable; a Britney Spears poster lay forsaken on the floor. It wasn't of high quality nor was it very large, but it was beautiful in its own way. His dark brown eyes widened and sparkled as he stared at the abandoned poster. Sean had been a Britney Spears fan since day one and seeing this poster forgotten on the floor filled his young heart with both sorrow and excitement; sorrow that someone had treated it so shamefully and excitement that he had found such a great treasure. It was a confusing time.
So, he picked up the poster and carried it the rest of the way to his locker. Sean no longer heard the pointless stories of sleaze and infidelity; not even when they were about him. His mind was racked with the question of where his poster would be displayed. Upon arriving at his locker, he spied the perfect place in the wall between his locker and the ceiling. He decided that it would be best to carry his very non-athletic yet somehow all-American looking body on top of his locker and tape his newest obsession to the wall.
Finishing his work, Sean looked down the hallway and saw the assistant principle, Mr. Dahline walking towards him. “Aw Snap!” Sean shouted as he quickly jumped off the locker. It was against the rules to climb on the lockers and Sean liked to appear to be an upstanding citizen of the school.
“That’s just perfect.” Sean stated as Mr. Dahline walked by, “I’d do anything to make sure this poster stays here.”
“Would you even go on an adventure through the stinky bog?” Reid questioned.
Sean immediately stopped what he was doing, “What do you mean? You’re not planning on stealing my poster are you?” He paused and watched Reid closely as Reid struggled for something to say. When it was clear that Reid didn’t have the words, Sean went on, “That’s all the way on the other side of the school in the Agriculture wing. Why would it end up there?” “Well, someone might take it. I mean, it is a poster of Britney Spears.” Collecting his thoughts Reid paused, “Umm… oh yeah. You never know, some farm kid might take it.”
“Yeah, I guess. It seems really weird that you’d say that though. I hope for your sake that you don’t steal this poster. You remember how mad I was when you stole my Christina Aguilera poster; I put peanut butter in the door handles on your car, I completely colored your windshield in with green window paint, and lit a screeching fireworks bomb outside your house every night for a week. If you steal this poster, I’ll be even madder!” With that Sean closed his locker and went to class.
Before lunch, Sean went to meet up with his friend Marcus. Walking through the halls of the high school was always an adventure. Between the new couples making out, the old couples breaking up, people talking about who’s dating whom and asking, “What does she see in him?” the high school hallway experience would lead anyone who doesn’t belong there to the brink of insanity, if not passed it. Today was no different and on top of all of that, Sean was worried about the safety and security of his Britney Spears poster. He also wondered why tons of people weren’t giving him compliments about his poster. If he would be honest with himself, this lack of attention hurt his feelings, but he didn’t let on and down the hall he went.

Thinking Of Something Funny

Everyday at work I have a lot of time with my thoughts. Believe it or not, being a Janitor doesn't take a lot of brain power. So I usually fill that time thinking about the characters in books I'm writing and how they'll react to the things I'm about to do to them. If I'm not thinking about that, I'm paying close attention to things around me, whether it be conversations people are having, strange things I notice throughout the day, or mother's rooms.

Today started no differently. I was going to clean shoe marks from the walls under desks in a whole bunch of offices, but then, life never let's you go a long with your plans, does it? You see, I was cleaning to the side of one such desk and reached over for a rag that I'd been using. Retrieving the rag and moving back to my starting position, I found the corner of the desk with the side of my head. Everything got blurry and I stumbled around a bit. The rest of the day was kind of a blur and now here I am at home wondering what happened to the day.

I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm not sure where it is. If you find it, please tell me.